i wish i could feel the happiness
i really wish small things could excite me and make me feel good, just for a moment
i wish i didn’t feel so utterly sad, small and unimportant all the time
i wish i lived, because i just, um you know, exist
i just exist because i have to, i don’t enjoy my life at all
delete
i feel hatred
pure hatred
and i don’t know what i’m scared of or what i even enjoy
dulling, get money but nothing turns out like you want it to
my little brother and i came to conclusion that we are such immature, arrogant pricks because we hadn’t actually had a proper childhood.
and i just sit here and don’t answer, feeling dead.
sometimes when i drink and smoke i hope it will eventually kill me someday
i used to have so many good friends and feel great a year ago
and what i have now?
there is laura, but she lives too far away
2 girls with whom i lost the contact
1 girl that i meet sometimes, but she is starting to get on my nerves again
1 guy from my band, we talk almost every day but we argue a lot and don’t see each other too often
and people from my year, who seem to like me but i have no real friends among them
and my roommate, who is nice and all but i don’t know actually
it seems like i have nobody to talk with irl about my issues
i sometimes even talk to god before i fall asleep
i ask him if i will feel this shitty all my life
and tell him that i’d rather die in my sleep if the answer is “yes”
there’s a girl in my year who is actually a friend of mine
not so close friend, but still
and she called me a freak a few times recently
this is sad
but it made me think about my behaviour
